The Tale of Gary Stu-nning: A Typical SAO Self Insert Story
by HarrowedBow1
Summary: Gary Stunning, both the Mr. Universe and Stephen Hawking of the VRMMORPG community, is just an average teenager. He is normal as it gets: he plays RPGs, drives his Jaguar E-Type V12, wins kendo competitions while blindfolded, protects his bombshell babe of a sister, and is criminally handsome. But what will he do when he's dragged into the mysterious Death Game of Sword Art Online?
1. Chapter 1: A Stu-nning Day In Paradise

**The Completely and Totally Average and Believable Life Of Gary Stunning**

**Chapter 1: A Stu-nning Day in Paradise**

_Today is the day._

Indeed, after a whole 21.5 seconds of waiting in line to get my copy of Sword Art Online, I have finally acquired it! The young lady at the counter who helped me cut my way past a few dozen eager children who had been camping for days in line certainly helped; heck, she even calmed a few people down when their fourteen-fifteen year old children started crying after I brought the last ten copies the store had. Although my explanation of 'I have to give these to my ex-girlfriends, who totally still want me by the way' didn't fly with them she did a very good job of pacifying the angered plebs. That's not the only _great job_ she did, though...

_Huhah!_

Anyways, I pull into my house driving the Jaguar E-Type V12 that I brought with the prize money I got from winning my fifteenth international kendo tournament, sixth consecutive Taekwondo national competition, and netting a sponsorship from Nike for basketball. I'm a pretty average guy from a pretty average family, so I'm very lucky to have such a decent car. My younger sister bursts through the door as I step out of my ride and embraces me, practically crying into my shirt.

_My Little Sister Can't Be This Cute!_ The awesomely otaku side of me can't help but think that, and I flash a masculine smile at the thought of all the Ecchi anime I've watched recently. Only a few losers at school have ever dared make fun of me for it, but whatever, they're just less intelligent than I am because they don't find Japanese cartoons filled with boobs and incest appealing.

"Oniii-chan!" she squeals gleefully as she tugs on my shirt. My sister, three years my junior at the age of 14, already is starting to show signs of development. Her glistening, golden blonde locks of hair flow around the body of a supermodel, and I'm proud to have such a beautiful little girl as my younger sister. I look nothing like her; my dark, enticing eyes and obsidian-colored, crew cut hair contrast sharply against hers image. This is, of course, because we're not really siblings, but cousins...

You see, a tragedy occurred to my parents when I was very young... something about a circus elephant's feces causing a performer to light the place on fire, catching them in the flames in the process. I may have died too, but my plot armor was enough to get me out of there with no injuries except for the conveniently badass scar which runs along my cheek that the fire _somehow_ gave me. Yet, in truth: I was too young to really be affected, mentally scarred, or traumatized by the event. Hell, I don't even remember my parents. All I know is that I have a vague but tragic event in my back story which automatically allows me to be realistically flawless in every other way, shape, and form anyone could possibly imagine. Even more so than you, _Jesus Yamato._

"What's wrong, Sis?" my unimaginably virile jaw cracks open as the question glides out of my mouth in perfect a capella bass, causing the gargantuan muscles in my neck to ripple from the deepness of my voice.

"Onii-chan! You were gone for fifteen minutes!" Sis whimpers. She's always like this. Once I finish scoring 100% on all my classes' online tests and playing a few hours of RPGs I go out clubbing with my friends for a few hours every night. Sis gets super-worried every single time, especially when I only come back the next day. She really shouldn't, though; after all, I'm just picking up women all night with my amazing video game skills. I push every button _just right_, or so I'm told by the entire female population of this town.

_Huhah!_

"Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, Sis." I reply with a level of suave that would make the entire Westboro Baptist Church go gay for me.

"I'm so glad!" she hugs me even tighter for a few more seconds and then lets go because she realizes the plot has to progress and dialogue is difficult to write.

I brush past my bombshell of a little 'Sis' and go to my room, balancing all ten copies of Sword Art Online vertically on my fingers. I already have a copy in my room because I was one of the first people selected for the Beta Test(who wasn't?) but I needed them for my exes. Whatever, they'll come over in a group to beg for me to get back with them later so I'll just play SAO for now... I can _play_ with those girls later.

_Huhah!_

I put the Nerve Gear on with a small amount of difficulty as I have to fit my huge head into it. In this day and age, it's hard to be a six foot seven athlete-gamer. When I was doing the body registration in the Beta it had to double check to make sure I had actually measured the bulge of my muscles correctly. At two hundred and fifty pounds of pure muscle it was almost too much for SAO to handle. On the other hand, my more famous bulge was certainly too big for Cardinal's programmed parameters.

_Huhah!_

With the Nerve Gear tuck snugly upon my head, I plug myself in and lie down on my enormous bed. I am forced to say "Link Start" not once, not twice, but thrice for the system to realize it is a voice making that sound and not a contrabass BBb Tuba. Damnit, this was something I asked them to fix during the beta! Oh well, you can't have _everything_, I suppose. Being the epitome of manliness, bravado, and brilliance _has_ to have a few downfalls, otherwise my life would feel unreal.

Finally, the green flashing lights drag me into my favorite world: the game world.

"Welcome to Sword Art Online", Gary Stunning.

The system recognizes me as a Beta tester and I use my Beta character, which I modeled to look exactly like me because I am not a vain in the slightest and am confident with my looks, to log on. I appear in a blur of brilliant blue crystals and stare at my hands for no apparent reason. Women and men alike from all around pause to take in my dashing looks, but I ignore them. I have a game to play!

_I'm in! I'm really back!_

I gleefully sprint through the streets of Starting City. Today is the day where it all begins, today is the day where I, Gary Stunning, am back inside the world I love the most! I am gleeful, I am ecstatic!

...and I am mistaken. This is not only a beginning, but an end to my average, totally normal and realistic every day life.

But I don't know this yet. So I just run to the nearest monster field, where I'll be idly slaughtering Frenzy Boars until a convenient plot point lands me with a few other characters.

* * *

**IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF COMPLETELY AVERAGE GARY'S AMAZINGLY AWESOME ADVENTURES**:

Gary Stunning, your average teenage tender playboy, philanthropist, charity-worker, testosterone-vault, ladies-man, boy-genius, pro-gamer, and sports-prodigy will run into characters from the original Sword Art Online novels. If you can't guess who it is and the tension is killing you, watching the full length of the first episode of the anime might tip you off! God knows that's more research than I've done! But worry not, dear reader, if I screw it up I'll just put it down to AU!

* * *

_Actual A/N: _Before you review, make sure to read the genre of this FF. I think its pretty obvious what genre this is, but eh, who knows.


	2. Chapter 2: Brave and Handsome New World

**Chapter 2: The Most Original Beginning to An Adventure Possibly Imaginable**

With my spawn point in Starting City a Swedish mile behind me, I am currently sprinting through the grassy fields of the first floor at a speed that a would make a F1 McLaren wet itself. I proceed to to leap over an entire hill, sailing thorough the air with the aeronautical grace of a wedge of swans and end up landing in the midst of a sea of Frenzy Boars. The barbaric beasts at first make an attempt to attack me, but when I approach with a ludicrously masculine gait they bow their heads in submission and then roll over, presenting their underbellies for the slaughter. I finish them off using nothing but my body; after all, that's how I usually _pork_ things...

_Huhah!_

Anyways, with the swine swiftly snuffed out of existence, I pull up my xp/item menu. I laugh in a lordly fashion as I boost up to level ten, the fast leveling being a product of a system they implemented about halfway through the Beta: The _Edgy Character_ XP bonus. Reserved for players with a heartbreaking, poorly developed, and/or tragic back-story allows me to gain experience at a glorious rate, allowing for easy training. The reason they gave this to us is, of course, so that while the regular players do lame things like hunt for treasure, quest, and grind their way to the top we can afford to take two week vacations to a little lake-side home, maybe kill a petty monster or two, and still meet any leveling quotas we may have. It also gives us time to envelop ourselves with angst, or, in my case: envelop myself in female players!

_Huhah!_

I jog up the adjacent hill, averaging a moderate 23.45 miles per hour. As I pull up over the hill, I spot two players attacking a Frenzy Boar. One of them has long, dark hair and looks patient and composed, the other is a sissy ginger rolling on the ground holding his crotch. Suddenly and for no conceivable reason, a boar spawns behind the edgier player, turning its head towards him and initiating a charge. With the whimpering carrot-top occupied with being a little bitch, there is no one to warn the calm one of his impending in-game death. With a strange sense of urgency, I turn 'hero mode' on and launch myself into a Rage Spike, a basic one-handed sword attack. If you're wondering why someone as manly as I am didn't pick a heavier fighting style, like two-handed swords, the reason is simple: one-handed swords are _hip. _Besides, although I'm an empathetic guy, I don't need to see how those girls feel when they two-hand my sword...

_Huhah!_

Anyway, the player looks startled when he sees me charging towards him. To avoid a misunderstanding I shoot him my most charismatic smile as I shout:

"Watch out!"

The player leaps out of my way, understanding my intentions immediately and allowing me to hit the Frenzy Boar head on. My blade cuts through the plot point's tusks, tearing a way through its body from head to tail and causing its health to hit zero. I sail through the scintillating aqua polygons and each one that touches down on my ostentatious biceps is a drop of beautiful water landing in a flawless ocean of testosterone, smooth-skin, and muscle-mass. The glittering polygons shatter slowly atop my outrageously mesomorphic torso and I realize that with all this light shining down on me, I must look like I'm sparkling under the sun-light. God damn, it's good to be average looking.

The black-haired swordsman walks up to me and shakes my hand with a firm, somewhat manly grip. The ginger is still on the floor, mumbling about his pizza or something stupid. The black-swordsman gestures towards me and I realize not a second later that he wants me to introduce myself.

"Gary Stunning. Gary Stu, for short."

"Kirito, it's good to meet you, and that...", we both shoot a sidelong glance at the writhing ball of estrogen and timidity nearby , "... is Klein". We share a knowing, mutually badass nod as we realize that with two guys as regular as us, there is no space for someone like Klein to be our friend. I'm damn happy that this Kirito dude is such an extrovert, because I don't really have that many friends in school despite the fact that I'm totally fucking awesome. I mean hell, it's their loss, but even I like having friends. If Kirito were an introvert, it would take time, dialogue, shared experience, and comradery for us to be real friends, which is so _laaaaame_. This is much easier to write.

The two of us, now best friends, decide to go on training without Klein. It's hard enough to have a harem when there are _two_ badasses on the playing field, and we both know that. We can't have him developing into someone as cool as us, as unlikely as it is, so we opt to leave him behind. Unfortunately, we have not taken but ten steps until we find ourselves teleported into Starting City's main square.

_Huh? Ah._

I am among a large mass of players, all of whom seem to be sharing panicked murmurs. Conveniently, Kirito has appeared right next to me so I haven't lost my best bud just yet. I am relieved when I notice that only about half of the hushed whispers are from confused male players who want to know why they've been teleported, the other half are merely women admiring my splendid figure.

Before I can make a move on a few of the options I have before me an annoying, loud noise bursts across the world and a bunch of warning signs appear in the sky. I watch as deep red blood seems to ooze out the ceiling, dripping down from the sky above in long, intertwining chains of serum. Being honest here: I haven't seen this much blood since last weekend. You see, a real man pleases his women any time of the month.

_Huhah!_

The blood-clot morphs into a GM, and soon we have a giant man in the sky, robed in crimson, drawing about a half-dozen females gazes' away from me and towards him. From underneath his dark and edgy hood, a voice booms out across the plaza.

"Players, welcome to my world. I am Kayaba Akihiko"

"My world?" I hear Kirito ask questioningly from my left.

"You've probably noticed that your logout button is missing from the main menu. This is not a bug, but a feature of Sword Art Online." Kayaba explains.

"What?" I hear someone sputter from nearby.

"You can not log out of Sword Art Online." Kayaba states. He goes on to explain all the different intricacies this involves while the crowd gives stereotypical 'oh my god' and 'you must be joking' responses for five to six minutes. I find myself thanking the lord that this is the first time I'm encountering this speech because even with my colossal and developed brain I'd get a damn aneurysm if I had to sit through this crap more than once.

"We won't die, Kayaba! We'll win this easy!" I yell, my voice projecting a booming, deep cry of outrage so powerful that it takes Kayaba aback. The video-game nerd turned programmer, when faced with my aura of refined might and manliness, can do nothing but stutter out some crap about a 'gift for the players' before he retreats. Around 4,000 ovaries explode simultaneously at my display of sheer bravery, and ten thousand players lift their swords and chant my name, we can win this. I sincerely hope I didn't overdo this, or those girls' bodies on the other side might hemorrhage from being too turned on.

Then, the unforgettable happens. Everyone uses their mirrors. Suddenly the blooming buxom babes running towards me are replaced with young, wimpy looking men. Klein, far to the right, morphs from a whiny ginger to a barbaric looking whiny ginger. Even Kirito, the epitome of a bro, turns slightly more feminine. Of course, since I built my character to look exactly like me the change has no effect on me and I remain with my slightly above-average looks.

With the whole world collapsing around us, Kirito and I remain calm. This is, of course, because we've been in life-or-death situations before. I made it through that elephant-feces incident when I was a child, and he's definitely got some dark past haunting him too. I also had that short encounter with a sleuth of grizzly bears at one point, although the hardest part of that was explaining to PETA why they were suddenly nearing extinction afterwards.

Anyways, I rush over to a group of broken and lost looking girls: one with chestnut hair, one timid looking chick with dark hair, a loli babe, and some weird girl who has a hammer for whatever reason. They need my help, support, and assistance, after all.

"Hey girls, do you need help." I don't ask, I state. That's how a trues man operates.

"Yeah, we just don't know what to do..." the girl with chestnut hair mutters. She seems like a strong girl just from looking at her, but I'm sure she wouldn't survive without a male in her life. All women are like that, you see, even if she were a top fighter in a top guild she'd need saving 24/7. It's just how it works.

"Well, I might be able to help." I respond in an extremely smooth fashion, and behind a crowd of people a player carrying a "God Hates Fags" sign begins moaning in lusty pleasure. I opt to end this conversation quickly and get of here. I don't smoke, but saying that God Hates cigarettes is a little excessive, I think.

"My name's Stunning. Gary Stunning. What's yours?" I continue.

"Asuna." her perfect lips inform me. More like _Ass-_una, if you ask me. That's #1 ass, for those of you who don't speak Mexican.

Now that we know each others names and have said more than twenty five words to each other, we know each other well enough to have a relationship. She practically throws herself into my tree-trunk arms and we share a long, deep kiss. I see that to my right that Kirito has done the same with the timid dark haired girl, but that's okay. I don't work well with the timid types, and this girl is okay, I guess.

"So, who are the others?"

"Sachi, Lisbeth ,and Silica" Asuna points to the timid dark hair girl who is playing tonsil-hockey with Kirito, the hammer-wielding weirdo, and the loli babe, respectively.

"Okay." I say, because talking for an extended amount of time to women is hard. Oh, the trials of being a gamer-geek.

"Hey Kirito, let's go." I tell my best buddy.

"Okay dude." He grabs Sachi's arm and I take Asunas hand and we begin to walk with the group of four girls towards the nearest exit.

"Hey, can I ride on your massive shoulders?" the loli babe, Silica, asks on the way there

_That's not the only ride you'll be getting, babe._

I lift her up as if she were a feather and place her firmly around my neck. Asuna doesn't get jealous for a mili-second, after all, harems are a natural outcome of someone being as amazing, skilled, and average as I am. Polygamy is totally chill if you're too cool for regular relationship structures. Just ask those dudes from High School DxD, High School of The Dead, and Index; it works great for them.

I'm _such_ an Otaku.

With the girl's lower body pressing at the back of my head, we keep on marching. I ponder over the fact that this week, this certainly isn't the first time I've had my head in between a girls legs. To be fair, I was facing the other direction that time...

_Huhah!_

Anyways, with our merry band of ridiculously strong, beautiful, intelligent, witty, and talented 'misfits' we head off, truly beginning our dangerous and exciting journey in the world of Sword Art Online.

* * *

**NEXT TIME, JOIN ORDINARY GARY AND HIS PICTURESQUE POSSE AS THEY PUSH THEIR WAY THROUGH SWORD ART ONLINE**

A month has passed since the start of the game, and with Gary and his friends at a mere level 95, will they be able to clear the floor? Find out in the next installment of the Tale of Gary Stu-nning, where character development, relationship building, and adherence to canon is what matters the most. Also, tune in for more Gary x Females.

There was slight AU in this chapter, but it was to expand on the concepts described in the anime/novel. If there was a huge two year timeskip after the initial segment, I wouldn't have to do this and could work inside vast boundaries within the canon. Hell, I could explore orange players, the Laughing Coffin, being a member of the KoB or the DDA, or even Furinkazaan. Unfortunately, Reki Kawahara described every single floor, enemy, boss, character, and guild in this game down to the most minute detail. As such, I am forced to make this AU. Kirito will still play a major role, because he's really cool and I hate FFs which overpower their OC and replace him :(

* * *

_Actual A/N:_ Updates are daaaamn slow. You can blame Interfector for that, but I guess you can also thank him since he's written like 99% of this from the very beginning. If you asked me why I'm the one publishing this and why he's asked me to not put him as the author, I wouldn't be able to tell you. My best guess is that its probably because he makes fun of his own OC FF pretty frequently in Gary Stunning's tale and... Eh, crap, I got lost in what I was trying to say. Point is, this is a colab with Interfector(aka, I'm his Beta Reader) and he's a damn slow writer( a good one, though) so expect sporadic updates.


	3. Chapter 3: Gary Stu-nning vs Cactus

**Chapter 3: Gary Stu-nning Vs. The Wor—Cactus Head.**

_Damn, too slow._

I grimace as the wolf's jaws clamp down on my left arm and its teeth sink into my skin, dropping my hitpoints by a whole 0.05%. I retaliate quickly, and as a pixel disappears from by health bar I drag my injured hand skyward while flexing my right arm's bicep. At the sight of my bulging muscle the wolf's jaw drops, letting of my left entirely. This, combined with the upward motion of my hand catapults the wolf a few hundred meters into air. The creature begins squealing as it soars further and further upwards, but I can't let it get away like this. Using my «Searching Skill» I watch it smack into the bottom of the second floor, bounce right off it and start tumbling back down. I dig my heel into the ground and initiate a «Sonic Leap» , kicking off the ground and launching myself towards the creature. I reach it about a half mile above terra firma and drag my sword through its body, causing each one of its polygons to shatter as I slice through it. Like any other well coded enemy in an RPG game it dies from a single charge attack, allowing me to parachute back down using the wolf skin I got from the drop with ease.

I glide to the ground and touch down in front of Asuna, who runs up to me and embraces me gleefully. I grin, looking past her at the Level Up! screen which has appeared on my HUD. Level 95, huh? Not too shabby, but all this damn training is digging away at my 'me time'. My 'me time' being 'me and a few girls', of course.

Suddenly, I remember that the lovely little lady I'm holding in my arms is, technically speaking, my wife, and I feel ashamed at my dirty thought for a full half second. I need to remember that I can only be romantic with women that I've talked to for at least a while from now on, or Asuna might get angry at me. She also said that it's only okay if they're part of a harem and if I don't do anything more than blatantly flirting with them to her face. Those are the conditions she has given me, after all, and while I don't exactly love the idea of restrictions that one week honeymoon we spent at a lakeside is worth being kept on such a tight leash.

"Oh my God, Gary! I was so scared!" Asuna wails in a maidenly fashion as her tears seep into my trench-coat. Thank the Lord she isn't a tsundere, seriously.

"It's okay babe, these wolfs don't even carry giant swords in mouths." I reassure her, patting the silky chestnut-brown hair atop her head.

"Eh?" she seems puzzled at my comment._  
_

Oh, right. This is her first video game and she is inexplicably amazing at it, how could I forget? Usually I'd be annoyed by this scrub-like behaviour, but I guess I can forgive her for being a casual gamer as long as she's hardcore in other aspects...

_Huhah!_

"Yo dude, should we take on the floor boss?" Kirito asks as he obliterates a wolf with a single strike, using his other hand to princess carry Sachi.

"I'm afraid of dying, Kirito!" Sachi whines in a way that only a strong female character could. I ignore her, as this mewling is all she ever seems to do. That is what makes her such a perfect girl after all: she's weak, squeamish, and unable to fend for herself to such an extent that the White Knight idealist in me can't help but feel touched by the depth of her personality. If I didn't have Asuna, I'd probably go for her.

"Yeah, we've been training long enough" I reply. Really, we have. It's hard when the only two enemies on this floor apart from the monsters in the boss fight are Frenzy Boars and Wolfs, but we've managed to get above level 80, so we're all set. The Edgy Character XP bonus has definitely helped.

"Ohhh my god hell yeah let's do this!" Klein chortles in an extremely nerdy fashion, an annoying gesture considering he's barely reached level 80 due to him having friends in real life. The idiot has been trying to get in the way of me and Kirito's friendship, but he's just not cool enough. What a loser.

"Shut up, Klein!" everyone yells at him.

With Klein crying and running off into the distance, we decide to head our way over to the nearby town where they are coincidentally holding the very first boss meeting. On the way in I buy some bread from a vendor and, with practiced finesse, apply some cream to it. I'm about to take a bite when I see Asuna looking at the bread like it's my body, desire burning in her eyes. I glance down at the bread and then throw a dashing smile at her.

"Do you want it?" I ask her, my voice low enough to make the particles in the air resonate at within the ELF spectrum.

"Yesss" Asuna moans, taking the bread gently from my firm masculine hands. She practically inhales it, and I make a mental note that Asuna really, really likes cream.

_This should come in handy later._

We're about to walk into the centre where the meeting is being held when suddenly a shriek interrupts my sexual fantasies.

"I'm afraid of dying!" Sachi screams from atop Kirito's shoulders, drawing by-standers eyes away from my butch body and onto her hysterical figure. Damnit, Sachi. Kirito shoves the fear-mongering cockroach aside with his foot, pacifying Sachi, and then we head onwards.

We go down a single step of the forum to sit next to Lisbeth and Silica, who we met up with earlier this morning. They scoot over and I find to my delight that we have placed ourselves at the far back, where all the important people go go. It's kinda like the window-seat in school, we just _need_ to be there. We stare down as the blue-haired guy starts his speech. Unlike Kayaba's droning, I do my best to pay attention but I somehow feel like I've seen this crap before, so I ignore most of it until he says "form a party". Kirito, Lisbeth, Sachi, Silica, Asuna, and I naturally go as a group, and I figure Klein is lucky he left early because he'd be the odd one out. What a loser. The speech drones on when suddenly...

"Hold on a moment! I have something to say!" a yell comes from the crowd, and the dude stops his speech.

"Well, what is it?" the Knight asks. A short man with a head that vaguely resembles a cactus with all the spikes it has prances out of the crowd in the most punk clothing I've seen in this game. He chuckles creepily as he walks up to Diabel(that's the blue haired dude's name, guys) and then spins to faces the crowd.

"My name is Kibaou! I wanna say something before we take on the boss: some of you have to apologize to the players who've died!" the cactus head, Kibaou, yells at the group. He starts mouthing off at the beta testers, and to my surprise Kirito starts to shake, perhaps from regret. Damnit, I have to do something!

I leap down the steps towards him, passing by a black guy who is only a bit shorter than I am and landing hard before Kibaou. Spiky, who had been snickering a little, seems suddenly taken aback by my sheer masculinity and power, and he inches back ever so slightly.

"You said you blamed the beta testers, right?" I ask him in a stern tone and suddenly the circle is a church, my voice the lowest notes of the organ. Mesmerized by my graceful and mighty figure, the little shit answers honestly as a reflex.

"Y-yeah" he chokes it out like a coward, and I slap him hard in the face in response because violence is always the answer.

"You can't just go around deciding that. You think we'd all be alive if it wasn't for the beta testers? The Guide Book is made by beta testers, do you think you'd have made it far without that?" I beat some verbal sense into him.

"B-bu..." he tries whimpering out some crappy excuse, but I slap him hard in the face again. Fortunately for me, the harassment system in this game is as inconsistent as it gets, so I can hit him a few more times before my cursor goes orange. This is obviously good news, as my life would be boring if I was an Orange Player.*****

"Get the fuck out of my face and sit down." I give the order, and with my voice at such a stunningly low frequency cactus-heads eyes oscillate, causing the tears that had been welling up in his Lacrimal gland to pour out of his eyes. The wailing cactus, now properly watered, runs back to his seat and dives onto the stone, curling up into a fetal position slowly after landing. I feel terrible because I'm usually the kind of person Mr. Rogers would want me to be, but this had to be done.

I bounce back up the stairs, my gargantuan quadriceps contracting and extending like two beautiful dolphins frolicking in turquoise waters, and run past the Big Black Guy who gives me a thumbs up and and a "_Thank you_" in English as I pass by. I respond with a "_you're welcome_" of course because I'm a self taught quadrilingual, which is the natural outcome of being a third-culture kid. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm a bit of a mix. My absurdly enticing voice is courtesy of my half-English background, my innate sword skills are down to my third of Japanese blood, and my in-built sense of justice and freedom can be pinned down to the fact that I'm a third American. I'm also a sixteenth Irish and a half quarter Sagitarian, although they have less influence on my life than the rest of my background.

With a final hop up the last steps I reach my friends.

"Good job, bro" Kirito fist bumps me as I sit down.

"Oh Gary, how are you so indescribably irresistible?!" Asuna, Lisbeth, and Silica squeal as they wrap themselves around me in a huge group hug.

"I don't want to die!" Sachi informs all of us at the sight of the Kibaou glaring up at me, and I once again marvel at how complex she is.

"Hey, it was no problem. Someone needed to put him in his place, otherwise we'd seem like awful people for using beta knowledge for our own selfish gains." I reply, and upon hearing my ludicrously bad-ass response a player a few rows below us literally ices up and freezes. You see, there's a sweet spot to be when around me, you need to be close enough to get my heat or you'll be iced over by how cool I am. There's another sweet spot if you're female, though...

_Huhah!_

...wait. If you're _Asuna_, I mean. Damn, this is tougher that being surrounded by a pack of Frenzy Boars. It seems pigging out is easier than holding back... but I love her and I'll do this because we've been together for about a month now, which is a reasonable amount of time to decide you love someone in. Besides, my time with her has lasted almost four times longer than my previous relationships, so I guess you could say I'm pretty committed to this.

"Well then, let's go to the boss then!" Diabel announces and the crowd cheers in response. Fifteen minutes later and without encountering a single enemy, we reach the boss room doors.

"I'm afraid of dying, Kirito!"

"All right, remembers your roles and we should all be fine. Ready? Let's go!" after Diabel's long, charming, and enthusiastic prep talk I can't help but feel pumped as we go through the doors. There's no doubt this guy will make a good third in command, Kirito being the first in command and I as the vice-commander, of course. I'm not so arrogant as to shoot for the very top.

The entire rooms lights up, and suddenly the fat-arsed red Illfang the Kobold Lord launches himself onto the battlefield, spawning three sentries as he lands. As our squad has been assigned to taking care of the Kobold Sentinels, I target the one in the middle instantly and await the order.

"Charge!"

In about a half second, my sword is through the first one's neck and it shatters into a cascade of falling light. This will be an easy fight if it goes on lik—

"Gary, watch out!" I hear a feminine scream that can only be from Asuna, and I turn to see a Sentinel's mace coming straight for my torso. With no room to dodge, I wince as the mace smashes into me. The weapon snaps in half as it collides with my chiseled abdomen, its top fragment clattering loudly as it hits the ground. I slide back a centimeter from the fully-forced hit and to my horror my health drops to 99%. In a panicked, sloppy counter-attack I do a triple front-flip over him and stab the creature though a slit in his armour that is less than a inch wide. The critical hit does damage worth his health points four times over and he instantly breaks into nothingness.

"I'm so glad you're alright! I would have killed myself if you had died here!" the extremely independent and strong Asuna is now a mess of raw emotions, and I can't blame her. Girls can't live without guys they love after a month or two of being together, so her wanting to commit suicide in case of my death is perfectly reasonable.

"It's okay babe, I won't die."

"I don't want to die!" Sachi waves the death flag above her head from atop Kirito's shoulders once again.

_Damnit, Sachi._

We turn towards the Boss, who is currently smacking players aside as if they were nothing more than insects. Without our help, they'll surely fall.

"We need to help them." Kirito mutters under his breath like a true badass.

"Yeah." I say, because any other answer would be idiotic and leave me looking like an asshole.

_We have to win this._

* * *

**TUNE IN(?) NEXT CHAPTER TO SEE THE PAINFULLY PREDICTABLE RESULTS OF THE FIRST FLOOR BOSS FIGHT.**

They've spent the last month slaughtering the two types of enemies on the first floor and during that time no one of real importance died, but what will they do now that they are faced against Illfang, the Kobold Lord? How will our heroes do and who will die in this treacherous fight that walks the line between life and death, and will any of them die so early on that they become forgotten almost entirely later chapters? Only time and/or watching the second episode of the anime will tell!

* * *

_Actual A/N:_ Slowpoke chapter? Slowpoke chapter. Expect revisions on this one soon, because I did a pretty awful job revising it for Interfector and it may need some work. Either way, hope you enjoyed and special thanks to Agent 94 for his input and help. If you'd like to see something parodied here, our take on any aspect of SAO, or have constructive criticism feel free to PM either me or Interfector.

Also, if you noticed the *** **in the chapter that's because I'm being an asshole to Interfector and adding that in without telling him, I won't explain past that.


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